Ken Fielder

(Kenny, Brad Pitt, Top Gun Bat)

On hearing the news that Rob ‘Hollywood’ Smith was defecting to bitter rivals and league minnows, Masham, after only one game in the famous white shirt, Brad had no hesitation in picking up the phone and dialling 911-Australia.

During the resultant phone call, where Kenny did nothing but proclaim ‘It’s all good mate’ several times’ he jumped at the chance of joining the Kirkby ‘Galacticos’ and don the famous white shirt.

Just before take-off, however, Kenny rang pleading with the K.M.C.C. hierarchy to also take on his bestest buddy Patrick Garvey, who also dreamed of turning out for the mighty K.M.C.C. Unfortunately, however, the league rules state that only one antipodean is allowed per team, so Paddy was farmed out to league minnows Bishop Thornton, to live in hope that one day, his dream may become a reality.

So it came to pass then, that Kenneth Fielder was signed up from the Pakenham Upper-Toomuc Cricket Club on the outskirts of Melbourne, known more affectionately by the locals as Yabbieland – home of the ‘Mighty Yabbies’.

On arrival in the U.K. Kenny, ignoring Jet-Lag and following the orders of Paddy, went immediately to the local boozer in search of a nice cold VB. It wasn’t until several days later that either were seen or heard from when the realisation that they’d landed in a VB free zone hit home.

This search for beer led to a falling out with the skipper, who was infuriated that Kenny dare miss his first training session. A mistake that nearly cost him his place in the starting line up for the first game of the season.

The season had only just begun when it was revealed that Kenny was not a cricketer at all but was infact a Gentlemen’s outfitter and part-time actor, known more affectionately as Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt’s lack of form early on only furthered the skipper’s suspicions, with some senior members of the team calling for a replacement to be found. Brad Pitt, however, was determined to put in an Oscar winning performance playing an Aussie Cricketer plying his trade in Yorkshire.

That said, the skipper demanded an immediate improvement from his new charge and offered him two options if he was to earn the right to keep his famous white shirt. He could work on his fitness and join the current skipper in the gym, or alternatively he could seek help from former Skipper, Shedly. Brad Pitt, jumped at the chance to learn from the K.M.C.C. legend Shedly and over the course of the next few weeks, under the watchful eye of Shed, every brand of cigarette and every make of ale was tried and tested until the right combination was found. So with his training now perfected and the wickets hardening, Brad Pitt the cricketer, started to perform at last.

Batting

An undoubted and oft-reported ‘Gun-Bat’ at Yabbieland, with a top score of 177n.o. Has already notched up a century for K.M.C.C. in his debut season (one of the few players to have recorded a hundred for KMCC - Duncan et al take note!!!). Hit the biggest 4 ever seen by a K.M.C.C. player in a recent cup game against ex Wensleydale league titans, Crakehall.

Fielding

Fielder by name, fielder by nature. The man has a fantastic pair of hands with the ability to take the most impossible of catches. Has been found wanting a bit on the long chase to the boundary but steps have been taken to improve this. Kenny has recently taken up Morris Dancing and has also recently put in an application to join the world famous Kirkby Malzeard Longsword Dancers in a bid to improve his foot work.

Bowling

Turns out to be a useful change bowler when called upon this year, taking 4 wickets against Blubberhouses and only missing on completing a five-for by dropping a simple caught and bowled chance off his own bowling. Still gets upset by the fact that Walter Matthau never lets him bowl for the mighty Yabbies.

Strengths

Ability to overcome injury and the loss of his legs on a regular basis to play through the pain barrier and score runs. Makes goldie keen to play, a feat never been managed before.

Weaknesses

Spends far too much time taking photographs of opposition grounds.

An inability to say no whenever Walter Matthau asks him to go for a beer.

An unsettling demand for 'Good Nuts' from the bowlers!?!

Runs like John Wayne

Marital Status

A complete mystery when it comes to and claims of clam spearing. Even a discussion with Walter Matthau failed to shed any light on the matter. However, hope remains eternal, that Kenny may break his duck whilst here in Yorkshire.